My Experience with An Eating Disorder

Trigger Warnings: eating disorder, bullying, suicidal ideation

*Spoilers for Heartstopper season 3

I was inspired to write about my experience with an eating disorder after watching the most recent season of Heartstopper. Eating disorders are not often associated with men in media, so I was pleased to see it portrayed onscreen visibly and, in my experience, accurately. I’ve previously mentioned struggling with an eating disorder here. However, I feel it necessary to describe my experience in more detail since there is currently prominent discourse about this topic. The following is my experience:

“Your face was as green as your hoodie,” my friend’s words rang in my ears as I regained my focus. Flittering objects in my peripherals began to subside. The band teacher and several students were standing around me; I quickly realized why “give them some air!” is often said in film when a person passes out.

Had I eaten that morning? Of course not. I started my day in band class, continuing my attempts to learn the marimba. I felt wobbly, then fell, somehow missing the instruments behind me.

This wasn’t the most painful fainting spell I experienced – I once hit the bathroom sink mouth first, my braces slicing through my gums like a line of barbed wire. My body was beginning a descent into emptiness and so was I.

“The writing is on the wall,” the family doctor told my parents behind closed doors. The next thing I knew, there were three choices. Vanilla. Chocolate. Strawberry. These flavors of Ensure drinks would rotate as I began to integrate them into a rigid, daily routine.

I would often hear comments targeting my weight. “You need to put some meat on your bones” was direct while the “he’s so skinny” comments at school were more secretive, yet still within earshot.

A 9th grade boy with an eating disorder? Impossible! Yet here I was lying on the carpet of the band room floor.

I related to Charlie’s experience portrayed in season 3 of Heartstopper. The way he wore long sleeves to cover his lankiness. How he felt ashamed and guilty at every turn. The embarrassment of eating in tiny bites, of never clearing a plate.

Thankfully, today I see progress in the media, particularly with Heartstopper. It has excellent LGBTQIA+ representation and handles sensitive topics in a delicate, raw way. It shows viewers the harm in bullying and the consequences that follow.

I would purposefully wear long sleeves to hide the malnutrition. With any meal, each bite was difficult. Charlie’s struggle is not unlike my own. With this season, I truly saw myself in Charlie. I’ve attended family functions and experienced unwelcome comments from those who knew nothing of my eating disorder. I’ve experienced sexual assault. Bullying. Extensive harassment.

If you struggle with an eating disorder or wish to learn more about signs and symptoms, you can find information from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).